Letterman to show unaired Bill Hicks set (finally, too late)

Letterman to finally show Bill Hicks' unaired performance

The Letterman show cut it because it was supposedly too controversial.

Bill was pretty upset by the whole deal, and the Letterman clip has remained somewhat legendary, though there's a clip at the link above that shows Bill doing the same set a few weeks before his death. I've got the CDs, so I know most of the routines. Overall, these are good bits, but not his most edgy by far.

There's stuff that's offensive in there (to gays and Christians, and those who feel offended on behalf of gays and Christians), but I don't find it particularly offensive or controversial. The "lesbians are hot, gay men are not" bit is, of course, off-putting, but the Jesus parts? Not so offensive except to the ultra tight-assed...and are the extra tight-assed really part of Letterman's late-night audience?

Maybe these bits wouldn't fly in prime time, but even back then they should've been ok for late night.

We'll see if Letterman apologizes to Bill's mom. Can't apologize to Bill, of course, he's fucking dead.

Cruel Summer

Between Tax Season and Mother's Day the Muses get together and fuss and fret and tremble and eat a lot of cookie dough. What would make such a strong set of sisters so weak in the knees?

Festival Season


Coast to coast, border to border, from band shell to basement, every municipality with an arts council is planning some form of theatrical spectacle that will put a new spin on an old favorite.


Your mission? Pick a city, any city and any play and give it a local spin. Advertise it. Propose it. Cast it. Adapt it. Review it. The choice is yours. Just give those muses a reason to smile during this mad season.

Last Comic Standing 5 - Episode 1

Right from Bill Bellamy's first voice-over, I knew that he was going to be a hundred times the LCS host that Anthony Clark was. I don't think Anthony Clark was a bad guy, but he wasn't a good host. No energy. Bellamy has the energy, and, as we saw later, he has good skills interacting with the crowds and throngs of huddled masses standing in line yearning for three minutes of comedy gold on American Tee-Vee.

It's a "World-wide search for the funniest person", they say. This apparently means "people willing to stand in line in the United States, Canada, the UK, and Australia. I suppose that's two countries more than MLB's "World Series", but geez. Four countries with over half the cities being in the US? Not exactly scouring the globe, is it? Even if you assume that the comics have to speak a language understandable in the US (tip: many people in the US have problems speaking and understanding English, let alone any other tongue, so good luck with this), they left out huge honking chunks of the planet.

English speakers elsewhere? Better luck next world.

Ah, well. On to the show. Reality-TV rules, American Idol Stylee. The World's Greatest Comic Geniuses stand in line for hours and hours in order to get a quick audition by Randy, Paula, and Simon...er, Alonzo Bodden, Kathleen Madigan, and ANT. (ANT?!?? Really? Gack.) Reading the credits, apparently Jay Mohr still has enough clout with the series to earn a "consultant" credit. If I read Jay's pissed-offitude about the way he was treated before, I assume his consulting consists of "signing the checks they send me to not say crap about the show and the producers." Good work if you can get it, I suppose.

I was being unfair to the judges in my earlier comment. Alonzo is a talented comic who seems to understand the business and comedy itself pretty darn well; I think he has pretty good taste and can articulate what does and does not work, too. I adore Kathleen Madigan and think she got shafted on the show before. She's a huge talent and adorable and smart and funny and snarky and all things comedically wonderful. And then there's ANT. (ANT?!?? Really? Gack.) Simon Cowell brings the nasty bitchiness we all love to American Idol, sure, and we've certainly seen ANT (ANT?!??) do that, but Simon backs it up with actual knowledge of the industry and stuff. ANT backs it up with one-note comedy death and the aforementioned nasty bitchiness. He seems to have mellowed a bit since he was a contestant, but we wouldn't have William Hung judge the Idols, would we?

In the same way that American Idol doesn't actually identify the Best Singers and Performers in The World, the LCS auditions won't bring the best funny. That's ok, it's a reality show, it doesn't have to be all that, um, realistic. The major diffs for LCS from other reality shows include: they allow working comedians on the show, they don't have some magic age cutoff, and they expect people to write/perform their own material. These are big differences.

New York Auditions

First thing in NYC, we learn the first Rainbird's Last Comic Standing Rule: Ventriloquism is Not stand-up comedy. Bringing a puppet or a prop will not get you on the show. Unless you're Jay Johnson. That guy rules. The rest of you, though? Your puppets are unfunny projections of your rampagingself-loathing and talentless hackery. Your props? Audition to be a Gallagher. Better yet, don't.

(By the way, I don't claim sole knowledge of these "rules". Most are obvious, many are well-known rules of the craft. Some can be broken. Not by most of these talentless hacks, but you know what I mean.)

In the prelims, it's clear that Joe DeVito has some funny. I'd like to see more of him.

Jane Condon's prelim bit, though? The part they showed? The "same sex" bit about "having the same sex for the past twenty years"? It's older and more stolen than ANT's (ANT?!??) routines. I can't believe she made it to the showcase. Further, given the little they showed of her routine, I can't understand why she was the Capitol One Audience Favorite. Break. Give me one. Maybe they edited out all of her funny, original material?

The showcase is just as heavily edited and pared-down as the prelim stuff, but I saw some glimmers of hope: Wali Collins was my favorite (again, given what they show), but he didn't get to go on. Joe DeVito has a good stand-up comedy vibe going, he actually seems to have a routine and some material, he deserved to go to the next round, definitely. I already voiced my disappoinment in Jane Condon. She just didn't have any material.

Rainbird's Last Comic Standing Rule: Have a routine before you get to the auditions. Do I really have to say this? Good grief. Good fucking grief.

Observation: Close your eyes and Arj Barker sounds like Jim Gaffigan. Try it. See?

Chris White spent a lot of time on exposition and explaining and telling you his Whole Fucking Life Story before he even tried to say something funny. Look...if you want to read your life story, you better have a life first. Don't draw out the setup so damn much.

Rainbird's Last Comic Standing Rule: Don't draw out the setup too damn much. Pacing, pacing.

Overall, I just didn't think the NYC auditions and showcase were as good as in years past. Isn't NYC supposed to be the (a?) Stand-Up Comedy Capitol of the World? They didn't bring it this time. Very disappointing. Look, when Arj can saunter in from Sacramento and grab a ticket back to Hollywood while sounding like he's auditioning for understudy in Pale Force while yer native home-grown standups die onstage like Paris and Britney at the National Spelling Bee, there's a problem.

Montreal Auditions

Canada! It's part of the world! They travelled a couple hundred miles (and a few of those kilometre thingies) from NYC to get there! World. Fucking. Wide.

Actually, going to Canuckia in search of the funny is a good idea. There are a lot of funny comedians who came to the US from Canada. Most of them must still be here, though, because these auditions were also a little thin. Thin enough that the judges only handed out half the tickets to Hollywood as in NYC. I imagine there were fewer entrants, too. Hmm. Stand in shorter lines vs standing in the fucking cold. Might be a good trade-off.

I gather from reading elsewhere that there was some controversy around one of the Canadian winners not being shown. Perhaps this was the Capitol One Audience Choice recipient that we never saw and who never even got a sideways mention on the Canadian stage? Maybe. Dunno. Whatever.

I thoguht the first guy at the showcase, Richard Ryder, was Very Funny and deserved to go on. Instead, they grabbed Gerry Dee and threw him a ticket when he didn't really seem to deserve it. Yes, he's made it to the second round before. Big Deal. He needs to be the funny here and now. Unless we're playing by Michelle Kwan rules or something, where you get to be on the big show because you keep plugging away, not because you're the top talent.

I suppose I should mention the gorilla in the room. Specifically, Mel Silverback. His schtick of wearing a gorilla mask and gorilla hands seems to violate my props rule above, and his voice (Howard Stern, listen for it) appears to violate my No Impressions rule. Ok, he *does* violate them, but I guess he does do a good enough job to make it through. No surprise, given the quality of his material and how well he delivered it, that "Mel" is actually a working comedian named Dan Licoppe. I still think it's a gimmick, but the judges obviously liked him and so did the audience.

I should also mention this Rainbird's Last Comic Standing Rule: No Impressions. I know you kill at the family barbecue with your Jim Carrey bits, but even Jim Carrey (an incredible mimic) realized he couldn't make it as Rich Little 2.0. Short act-out in character, fine. Building an entire routine around "What if Captain Kirk and Donald Trump were trapped in an elevator?" That won't even get you a shot at a gig at StarFest.

I'm glad Debra DiGiovanni moved on. She reminds me of some other comedian, but I can't quite place her. Kathleen Madigan said something about how she's looking for quality female comics, I think Debra brings it. Some of the other women, such as DeAnne Smith, just didn't have good material.

We all know that women are just as funny as men, but Kathleen's concerns ring true: there's still a perception out there that men are better stand-up comics. Kathleen's own talent and success speaks "bullshit" to that idea, and there are a lot of funny women out there. So why aren't more of them going further on this show? Why didn't Kathleen herself go further on this show?

San Antonio Auditions

Even though the NYC auditions weren't that funny this season, they beat the Holy Fucking Crap out of San Antonio. Seemed that very few of the people auditioning had good routines, and I think two of the three ticket-winners were from way out of town. Ralph Harris has some previous credits (ok, when was there a black guy on Seinfeld? When?), so I'm sure that helped his confidence and presentation. Not such a big fan of the "my wife is so controlling" jokes, I hope that's not his entire repertoire.

Serena Matthews from Burbank just may be the Next Great Female Comic. She was damned good and I gave a little cheer when she moved on to the next round.

Overall Impressions

So much for the first episode. Better than the beginning of last year, the show has grabbed my interest. Better host this year. I like Kathleen and Alonzo as judges. (He who will not be named will not be named, dammit.) Even if the auditions weren't as good as the first year or two, they still found some funny people. Less bullshit overall, and NO GODDAMN BUCK STAR, thank goodness. Which brings me to my last rule for this week:

Rainbird's Last Comic Standing Rule: Don't be Buck Star. Ever. If you *are* Buck Star, stop.

Four People You Meet in Nashville

Four People You Meet in Nashville

Last week, I spent some time talking to a woman who had never been to the American South before. She was coming down to help with the post-hurricane clean up and had decided to forego the Red Cross's offer to fly her back home in favor of renting a car and driving through Beulah Land. Her idea of what we're like is somewhat along the lines of everyone being like Andy n' Opie n' Thelma Lou n' Aint Bea n' Goober n' Gomer. It was kinda cute, really.

The truth is, we don't have very many Mayberry types here. There are a few lawyers who really do make you want to run after them, yelling "Atticus! Atticus!" Years ago we had a mayor with the unfortuante surname of "Boner" who promptly lost his mind, traded his wife in for a country-music hanger-on who told Oprah and everybody more about either of them than anybody wanted to know and then imploded so spectacularly that I figured Robert Altman was off somewhere trying to figure out who he needed to write to explain that he was just kidding.They were all entertaining, but are they the people my new buddy is likely to meet on her visit? Nope. Lets take a look at who she could encounter:


Scary Mary Fangear They are everywhere and they're not limited to any particular form of entertainment or affiliation with any group. My friends still like to talk about the woman who wanted to strip to the waist and fight me in Centennial Park because she overheard me saying that I thought Vince Gill looked like Andy Kaufman.My favorite, though, was the woman I saw at a stoplight next to the Juvenile Justice Center one afternoon. She was first in line, then there was a man in a Lexus and then me. The light turned green and I guess the woman in her Suzuki Samaurai didn't pull away fast enough to suit Mister Lexus. He hit his horn with three rapid blasts and gunned his engine. The Samaurai began to shake as this very, very large -as in blot out the sun large- woman in a Steve McNair jersey and an impossible Titans blue and red weave begand to shuck herself out of the driver's side door of her little car. I heard the whirrrrr of the Lexus windows rolling up as she approached the car.She banged on the window and bellowed, "Do you know me? Hey! Do you know me? Are you a friend of mine? Were you trying to get my attention? Hey! Hey! I'm talking to you! Are you my friend?"I guess he didn't want to be her friend because she sauntered back to the Samaurai, squeezed in, turned back to the Lexus and said "Honk at me again, fool!" and then slammed the door shut, causing it to rock back and forth at least three times before it stopped. She sat through the next light. He just sat there. I didn't go because I wanted to see what would happen next. Unfortunately, she got bored and pulled off the next time it turned green.

Cletus the Fetus Poor Cletus swims through life in downtown Nashville in his own amniotic fog, pooping where he will and occasionally demanding money and/or canoodling from any paralegal who makes eye contact. My only line of defense against Cletus was a stamped leather purse in the shape of a fish. He approached me one morning and asked me if I wanted a Walnetto and then mentioned there was a fish on my hip.

Me: A fish?

Cletus: Yeah! That bag looks like a fish! You got a fish on your arm!

Me: No, I don't. It's a plain old black canvas purse from Dillards. You think it looks like a fish? I don't get it.

Cletus: Yeah! Its a fish! You want a Walnetto? (Okay, he didn't really offer me a Walnetto, but you get the idea.)

Me: There's no fish here. Its got two little ducks on the flap, see? (I held up the fish shaped purse and pointed to two little duck appliques that weren't there.)

Cletus: Aw, lady! I'm seeing a fish. I gotta go.


Beetleskeeze Beetleskeeze stands on Broad and seems to be waiting for someone to say his name three times so he can escape whatever dimension he's living on. Sometimes he feels magnanimous and will help visitors find their way around the city.

Beetleskeeze: Woooooooooooooooooooooooo! Wooooooooooooooooooo! Hi, pretty girls! Are you lost? I'll help ya!

Girl in Car Who Completely Lacks Gavin DeBecker's Gift of Fear and Rolls Down Her Window (GiCWCLGDeBGoF): Yeah! We're looking for the Hard Rock Cafe. You know where that is?

Beetleskeeze: You're looking for a hard rock? Why?

GiCWCLGDeBGoF: The Hard Rock Cafe. We're going to to a party there. You know where it is?

Beetleskeeze: A Hard Rock party? Its in my pants! Woooooooooooo! Hey! Where are you going?


Spliff Daddy Spliff Daddy is a youngish man who is on a constant quest to find the perfect place to hone his craft as an old school rapper. Sometimes its the bandshell-like perfection of recessed doorways. Other times its the overhang at the Tennessee Perfoming Arts Centre. My favorite place to catch Spliffy is on the corner of Fifth and Union. It is there that Spliff actually sings with a partner. The life-sized statue of Chet Atkins sits patiently as Spliff holds forth about the weather, MNPD Chief Ronal Surpas and Big Macs. Since he's all about sharing, Spliff always gives his cornermate a chance to shine, pausing mid-rap to shout "Take it away, Chet!"


Of course she could float through town and never meet any of these people. That would leave the tourists, the Baptists and the odd, embittered native who remembers what the place was like back in the day. But where is the fun in that?

Back to School Ads

Good god. I'm glad I'm not in junior high anymore.

After watching all the hip-hop ads for Wal*Mart, Target, KMart, and JC Freakin' Penney, I'm convinced that I would not have been krunk enough to buy clothing in their stores.

"But mom! I don't *want* a prince albert and a tattoo!"
"Sorry, kiddo, but the school's shopping list says they're required."

This isn't funny.

Dammit. It's starting to look like news of Mitch Hedberg's death isn't an early April Fool hoax after all.

Here's Shecky Magazine's confirmation.

Thirty-seven years old. This sucks. You will be missed, dude.

Contents of my current spambox

What the hell have I done to get on these lists?

Are they trying to tell me something?

Do I want to know?

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