Assignment #1: Bad Taste TV Movie Theatre
You just know they're going to make a made-for-TV movie of the recent Asian tsunami. Your assignment here is to come up with horrible, awful, terrible product placements, castings, and storylines. How will they trivialize this disaster? Who will spend three weeks in Thailand stomping through the water filming this travesty and then declare that the hardships of making the film were just as bad as the real event?
Will the plucky tsunamologist drive a Hummer, an Excursion, or a Kia Sedona? These are important decisions people, and it's our duty to make fun of these soul-sucking carpetbaggers.
Go.
posted by rainbird @ 3:50 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
I think the taste can be as bad as it needs to be. I'm considering proposing some general guidelines for the place, but the humor is what the humor is. We should be civil - overt racism and stuff are not welcome here - but making fun of other people's bad taste a la South Park or Chapelle, that should be ok.
I like the idea of having "assignment responses" be in the comments, mostly because it keeps them grouped. Also, in the current setup, anybody can reply via comments, but only the "official members" can post new top-level posts. This isn't to exclude anybody...the people in the members group have been frequent contributors to past Patios and should have a good understanding of what this place is about.
Anybody should be able to make a suggestion for a top-level post We need to start a suggestion box.
Frankie McMoolah here, Opportunity Synergist. I'm pleased to say that some famous brands have decided to underwrite our movie. In their honor, we've adapted our story a little:
Pontiac Aztecs. As our intrepid hero runs from the wave, he hops in his trusty Pontiac Aztec, and guns it. He grabs fleeing locals and tosses them in the back (after flipping up the seats) highlighting the space and comfort of the Aztec.
Snickers Bar. A tray of snickers bars come floating along an eddy of water while people are heroically clinging to trees. They reach out and grab one, which helps them keep the strength to hold on.
Pepsi-Cola. There are two snackbar kiosks on the beach: one for Pepsi, one for a rival softdrink KoKo's Cola. When the Tsunami comes, KoKo's Cola is crushed in the onslaught, but the Pepsi snackbar is picked and carried inland and stranded there. Survivors gather there after the horror for free refreshing drinks and food.
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Homeward Bound III: The Tsunami!
Those lovable scamps, Shadow, Sissy and Chance, once again face danger and adventure, this time on the high (really, really, really high) seas.
Open with Shadow, Sissy and Chance on a cruise with their owner (tie-in: Princess Cruise Lines). I see the owner as played by Rosie O'Donnell, in a sort of overblown high-society type with very discriminating tastes (i.e., namebrands only -- Pepsi, Purina pet foods, Waterford crystal bowls).
Wait, oh, no, what's this -- Tsunami! Cruiseship gets tossed around like a toy ship in a bathtub furiously churned by interns. Virtually indistinguishable from that.
Three pets struggle to survive and make their way to shore. Lots of wet cat jokes. Ultimately, Chance (voiced by Michael J. Fox, as in previous -- if he's not available, David Spade -- like anyone can tell the two apart) rides the tsunami on a makeshift surf board ("Hey, check this, I'm hangin' 20!"). If we want to go for the intellectual crowd, we have Sally Field (voice of Sassy the cat) make a Gidget joke. Voice of Shadow? It was Don Ameche in Homeward Bound I, Ralph Waite in Homeward Bound II -- make it Sandra Bullock in this one. It's not like she'll be on screen, and the press'll eat up that $1 million contribution she made.
Once the animals make it onshore, they scamper around the cute little tykes on shore until they're picked up by a Red Cross worker. A hot one. Is Brittney Murphy still tied up in that seismologist project? Maybe we can get J. Lo. She's ethnic.
Red Cross worker tries to get them airlifted out, but at the last minute Sassy wriggles out and runs to one of the other helicopters (they got a million of those things there, I hear). Look! It's Rosie O'Donnell! And her hair is still perfect (product placement: Aqua-net). And what caught Sassy's attention is the Waterford crystal cat dish that Rosie managed to save. All the animals pile into Rosie's helicopter, and they head off into the sunset. A happy ending.
Happier yet when that same footage is used and a Mastercard logo is CGIed to the helicopter, and a voice intones, "Waterford Crystal Cat Dish: $350. Princess Cruise: $5,500. The Incredible Journey Home: Priceless."
To: Duncan McBlain
From: Hargus Langerfeld
re: untitled for proposed disaster pic for late 2006
First off, let me say that I want to see more of this and sooner! Right now we still have crying orphans and widows all over the news. Lets get this in the can while the topic is hot but not so soon that it looks like we're money-grubbing ghouls.
Here are some changes that I want to see:
1. The title. It just isn't grabbing my tits. Lose "Tsunami: Tide of Terror" and go for something shorter, catchier and for God's sake, American like "Big Wave".
2. Speaking of making it accessable to the flyover people, lets change the location. Nobody in Wichita is going to give two hoots what happens to a fried conch vendor in Phucket. I'm also having problems with the name Phucket. How is that pronounced? Could it get us an automatic R? Maybe we need to leave it in, only have it be a resort off the Virginia Coast or something.
3. Change the age and casting suggestions for the leading lady. Helen Mirren isn't going to cut it. I can't take her seriously as a seismologist. Make it Brittany Murphy. Here's the deal: if she wears khaki shorts three sizes too big, a Texas A&M jersey, short hair pulled back and glasses, she'll look serious and hot. That's how I picture seismologists.
4. We need a dog or a kitten to wander out on the beach when the water retreats. Then we need Brittany Murphy's orangutan sidekick (see next note) to run out and save the kitten, running just ahead of the wall of water.
5.Replace Jeff Daniels. I don't want to see him assisting Brittany Murphy. Give her a pet orangutan with a cute name. Lucas? Walt? Darwin? Clyde?
6. We need a scene where she eats a Twix bar. I'll explain later.
7. The ending is a real downer, don't you think? Instead, lets have her drive a nuclear warhead out to the beach. As the tide approaches, she puts the truck into gear, jumps out and runs inland as the vehicle rams into the wave and detonates, causing it to become a warm rain falling all over the Virginia Coast.
I'll have more notes after I've actually read the script.
Ciao for now!
Hargus
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