Your Guide to Plane Drunks
In honor of my upcoming vacation for next week...
I used to travel for work a lot - 2, 3, 4 times a week. Over the course of those 4 years, I developed a system for categorizing the Drunks.
- Mr. Important. Mr. Important has already had at least one drink before he arrives at the gate. This lubricates his rage when his importance is not paid the proper respect. Delayed departures and the wrong seat are nothing on cancelled planes. "I dontch care if it's raining. You will fucking get me home t'night if you have to flight the damn plane!" Avoid sharing a taxi with Mr. Important after you arrive at your destination because he will tell you how important he is. In slurred detail.And he will touch you.
- The Bubbler. The Bubbler is usually female, in her 20s, and she hasn't yet been ground into the ground by her job. She has a rich and active life, and she will share with you. She'll drink her rum and coke and airplane quasi martinis. If you are female, she will ask you for advice as to what to get her boyfriend for his birthday, and tell you how her friends are the most wonderful people and how you must meet them.
- Mr. Stalled. This one is stuck in a rut. He's not going to advance in his career, and he's never gotten around to trading in his wife of 30 years for a younger model. He knows how to work the system to get upgraded to first or business class where they keep the booze flowing for free. He never boards a plane without 2 or 3 drinks under his belt, and he never shuts up. He knows everything and will tell you all about it. He demands a drink before take-off, and will call the stewardess as soon as he judges the plane is at flying height. The stewardess is always Honey or Sweetheart until she cuts him off.
- The Young Dog. It's been a long hard week, and he deserves a drink. He likes to travel in packs, and you are invisible to him unless you are his boss (he always arranges to sit many many rows behind the boss) or a cute young woman over the age of 16. Literally, it seems, for a pair of Young Dogs will discuss the merits of women on the plane if the women in their own row aren't worth sleeping with.
- The Snorer. These are the folks who fall asleep on the plane, snoring in a drunken stupor. They've clearly imbibed before boarding because there's still a few good gulps left in the glass they're clutching. Don't try and remove the glass from their hands. They won't wake up, but they aren't letting that glass go.
posted by Julen @ 5:42 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
Nicely done, Julen. I think there's also a few folks that could be categorized as "those who don't drink on the plane, but should", such as:
* The Pretty Young Mother Travelling Alone with a Small Child: She obviously spent the time preparing for the trip, since her hair is perfect, the capri pants are sharp and bright white, and isn't her little angel just the cutest thing in his I {Heart} New York" sweatshirt and baby's first baseball pinstripe pants, complete with knee socks? That's when she gets *on* the plane, of course. Twenty minutes into the flight, she looks like she'd been molested by a weed whacker and the devil child from the sixth circle is spewing a 360-degree fountain of effluvia that appears to be half split-pea soup, half Cheerios. No matter how much this poor gal needs a drink, she's afraid to have one, because she wouldn't be setting a good example for junior. Either that, or she's afraid that once she's started drinking, she won't stop until she's finished the fifth of Bombay Sapphire and two-liter bottle of tonic (plus limes) she managed to get in pawn for the evil little puke factory.
Very nice, Julen!
And there's also the White Knuckler. Firmly convinced that it's only the alcohol fumes of their breath that will keep the ridiculous tin plane afloat, they down their drinks with a fierce determination.
(And as a sidenote, I must give a shout-out to a stranded traveler who was sitting next to me in the seating area at the gate at O'Hare Airport. Planes were being cancelled and delayed right and left, and she vehemently insisted into the cellphone that she needed to get out of there, because she was drinking $6.00 beers, and that was just Too Damn Much! Apparently unconcerned about actually making it to her final destination, she just wanted to get to a place where the beers were $4.00.)
The Bride of Big O Jesus
This is someone who is usually older, female and large. They may or may not have flown before and may or may not have consumed alcohol before. Pre-flight preparation is always nerve-wracking for The Bride. They will mutter, pray and sometimes sing softly to themsleves. There will be a brief crescendo of "Oh, Jesus, oh, Law!"s that will die down once we are airborne. However, after much agonizing over whether to take a drink to soothe her nerves, The Bride will soon be smacking stewardesses on the ass with the bottom of her cup and demanding more vodka. This is punctuated by loud exclamations of "Oh Jesus! Oh, LAW have MERCY! LAW!" every time we hit some turbulence. The net result is a first class section full of spanking new Atheists and a coach class section full of passengers who are smugly thinking what mooks those first class passengers must be to pay that much more money just to watch "When Harry Met Sally".
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